Ne mogu da dopustim srcu da vjeruje u ljubav, jednostavno ne mogu.

Zamišljam mu te tamne vlasi kovrdžave arapske kose među prstima; koža mu miriše na oud i pijesak, i vrelina Dohe, vjetra i soli para mi nepce i žedna sam, pa ustanem i okrenem leđa, i kunem se, bojim se da će da nestane i da je on samo dio moje mašte, želja i nadanja. Zato ne skidam pogled s njega, kad se okrenem i hodam od njega do stola sa limunadom, hodam unatraške, kao kad se opraštamo od ljudi pri ulasku u avion, ili voz, samo još malo da te gledam.

Svaki trenutak s njim je kao posljednji.

— someone has been away the whole weekend – he says

— yeah, you – I reply

— You too, where were you?

— around

— anything fun happened? – he asks

— not really, been swimming yesterday then went out with some people in the evening

— sea or pool?

— the pool – I reply

— where?

— our building.

— would be better in private, up north

— where? – I ask

— our house – he adds a pool photo. Bigger than our building’s pool which is huge.

— nice – I reply

— so where did you go last night?

— The Belgian. With two friends

— I see. Girls?

— no, two guys.

— Oh really? – I imagine him raising his brows – nationalities? Arabs?

— Albanian and Palestinian.

he sends an emoji with rolling eyes. silence. forty five minutes no text, then he says –

— i missed you.

— i am just a text away.

— no, I mean i missed you since september. i missed you so much.

I send a heart, he continues — I miss you even now as we text and I know you’re back in my life, I just have so many emotions of heaviness of missing someone, you know the feeling?

— I do – I reply with a heart full of pain – I missed you too, you have no idea how much…

— I am afraid of losing contact again. It’s pointless, how long will this last? how many times will we come and go? I cannot go through it again. I lose interest. Wallah nothing is fun anymore.

— perhaps it’s the obsession? perhaps it’s not emotional at all…

— what do you mean? you’re the only person who knows me, accepts me, and still loves me. you do know if anyone in my family knew what you know, they’d kill me? you know that?

— i get it, but do you love me, for me? when you say it like that, you love that someone loves you the way you are. – I type in reluctant to send it but still I do

silence, another 45 minutes passes, then a reply — I do love you. I’ve been going insane like any man would thinking about the woman they love spending time with other people and not me. I imagined you getting married to someone in these 8 months, leaving Doha. I imagined you pregnant, with a child in your hands, and if that happened, I’d never have you back. I prayed to God so you don’t fall in love with anyone, because if you did, I’d be lost. Do you know how deep your love is? and that to be someone elses? Then I thought I was a selfish man, so I asked God for forgiveness, and to grant you someone to love you and give you everything you deserve… you remember my last messages – don’t sell yourself short, you deserve better than me? I swear, my brain thinks that even now, but my whole being is awake for four days now and how will I let you go.

I read it, took a screenshot of it in case he deletes it, and I cannot breathe. It’s been two times 45 minutes since he texted and I’ve been offline.

It rains inside. And I love the rain. The fall is my favorite season.

• Od Dreamerette, Irene i Kisele, jedno sam iskrena kao Selina. • Kulerica blogera od 2008. • Obitavam u Svemiru, sa Jupitera. •

8 comments on “November

  1. Sa Tramvom ces poverovat u ljubav.😜😎

  2. Ma kakav Tram[2] on sam u nju ne vjeruje

  3. rikica51

    Toliko dobro i uvjerljivo napisano da se doima da je moralo biti i doživljeno…

  4. batgirlagain

    Bože, u meni nešto zatreperi…. 🙄🙄🙄

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